When his infidelity leaves you feeling undesirable and unworthy it can be hard to shake the feeling that you are not good enough.
There are several reasons why this may be the case:
- Maybe he has outright told you are not good enough - in comparison to her.
- Maybe he has criticized you about your appearance, how you are in bed, or a number of other things.
- Maybe you've been telling yourself that you are not good enough - otherwise, why else would he stray?
- Maybe depression has lead to feelings of unworthiness.
- Or maybe being victimized by deception and infidelity has lead you to feel a sense of shame over what happened.
Do you find it hard to believe in yourself and your self-worth after discovering infidelity and deception?
If you find this a struggle, believe me, this is not an unusual.
I see comments about this on the BETRAY NO MORE Facebook page, in emails sent to me, and in dozens of betrayed spouse surveys that I've received.
It's a real struggle after infidelity.
It's something you have to work on overcoming every day.
I know because I've been there.
In an effort to get my ex-husband to stop the behaviors that were destroying our marriage, I did the whole self-improvement campaign.
I had the misguided belief that this would solve the problem of an unfaithful spouse.
It took several months before I realized my self-improvement campaign had no impact on my ex-spouse's behavior whatsoever.
Because it never was about me to begin with - I just didn't realize it at the time.
Having gone through that whole thing, I can look back and see how misguided I was.
We have since divorced and he hasn't changed at all.
In fact, his personal problems where there well before meeting me. But I wasn't thinking about that. I was trying to get the insanity in my marriage to stop.
It's important to take excellent care of yourself, however, this needs to be for YOU.
So you can feel good about you.
Not so you can try to change him.
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you are aware of the 5 Stages Of Infidelity Grief:
Can you guess which stage I was in when I attempted to improve myself to try to get my ex-husband to stop the marriage-destroying behaviors?
I was in the Bargaining Stage.
For more about this stage, be sure to read the article: https://betraynomore.com/blog/the-infidelity-bargaining-trap-are-you-looking-for-his-love-in-all-the-wrong-places
The Infidelity Grief Bargaining Stage goes something like this:
If I . . .
Then he will . . .
For example: "If I lose weight, then he will find me more attractive and will stop cheating on me."
Have you ever found yourself thinking something along those lines?
If so, you are probably dealing with the Infidelity Grief Bargaining Stage.
One of the things I learned from going through the Bargaining Stage was that I can't make someone change their behavior.
- They have to do it for themselves.
- They have to do it to improve a relationship they want to keep.
One thing I know for sure after going through betrayal and infidelity is this:
His behaviors say more about him, than about you.
Part of marriage recovery after infidelity is discovering why he made the choices he did.
Taking good care of yourself is very important but it needs to be done for the right reasons.
- To become a better YOU.
- To feel good about who you are.
- To learn more about yourself.
- To explore the patterns in your life and relationships.
What if you truly believed his actions are about him and that you are a worthy person right now?
- How would your life be different?
- How would you approach him and recovery?
Get out a journal or piece of paper and pen and explore this.
It may reveal some important aspects of recovery to you.
Every day is a new day to honor and appreciate who you are.
Hope and Healing . . .