The Aftermath Of Infidelity And Betrayal In Your Relationship: How To Create Safety And Healing
Discovering infidelity in your relationship creates a crisis in any woman's heart and life.
Your relationship has now been stripped down to it's bare foundation.
It's raw, exposed, and shattered.
Very much like you probably feel inside right now.
And as if this wasn't difficult enough, infidelity betrayal creates:
- A roller-coaster of hard to control emotions.
- A lack of safety and trust in your relationship.
- Personal infidelity trauma to deal with.
- And if you decide to stay in your relationship, the need for deep relationship repair.
Infidelity recovery can be a monumental task - one that requires careful consideration, as well as specific ways to promote healing for you, for him, and for your relationship.
You may be wondering how you can do all of this when your emotions seem to be all over the place.
Are you having repeated fights with him about what he did?
At times like this, it can begin to feel hopeless - especially if you both find yourself fighting to establish who is right and who is wrong. That is a recipe for disaster.
Fortunately, there is a way out of all the craziness and heartbreak.
In this article, I'm going to share 4 specific steps you can take to:
- Establish safety, trust, and healing during your interactions with your spouse.
- Promote your personal healing.
- Make relationship repair progress possible.
It's time to begin turning down the volume on this crisis so you can begin to build a solid foundation of connection in your relationship.
Let's Talk About 4 Ways You Can Begin Establishing Relationship Safety And Healing When Talking To Him About Infidelity.
1| Having discussions about what he did? Agree that you will both PAUSE and THINK before you SPEAK.
When talking about what hurt you, things can quickly spiral out of control, verbally and emotionally.
The fall-out is that words can hurt. Alot!
If what is said is hurtful enough, it will be forever remembered and etched in your hearts. This is not good.
These emotional injuries can lead to:
- Emotional withdrawal and shutdown.
- Defensiveness as a way to protect your heart from further harm.
- The inability to establish renewed trust, safety, and connection with your partner.
It's important that you both agree to protect each other from further emotional harm.
An agreement to PAUSE and THINK before you SPEAK will support the growth and renewal of your connection.
Moving from emotional reaction to thoughtful response takes practice.
It requires taking responsibility for yourself and learning how to calm yourself down.
2 | Take a "time out" whenever talks begin to escalate into arguments.
During your discussions, it is critical to avoid as many angry outbursts, name-calling and destructive arguments as you can.
Why is this so important?:
- Arguments create a lack of safety in an already unsafe relationship.
- Arguments do not promote healing or better understanding for either of you.
- At their worst, out-of-control arguments can lead to verbal and physical abuse.
One way to approach this is to agree to:
- Ask to end any discussion that begins to escalate into a fight so you have a chance to calm down.
- Honor each others request for a break.
- Promise that you will come back to the discussion when you are feeling calm and able to talk about it without an argument.
The goal is to strive for understanding. Even when you don't agree.
3 | Allow the questions you want answered to come out over time.
Pacing your questions about what happened will help both of you in the long-run.
It can be traumatizing for you to hear the details of his infidelity, (even though you deserve to hear them.)
Give yourself some time to process and deal with your feelings about what what you found out.
Relationship recovery after infidelity is not a race to the finish line. It is a very delicate process.
The more thoughtful and controlled you pace your questions and discussions, the more safe and productive they will be.
Here are some tips to help you:
- Make a list of questions ahead of time that you want answered.
- Pace your questions and ask them over time.
- Process your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
4 | Set up structure in your recovery.
One of the best things you can do is not allow a focus on recovery to overtake your whole relationship.
You are both going to need some down time.
Otherwise, you will become exhausted and overwhelmed by all of the processing you are doing. It can be so draining, emotionally and physically.
Here are some ways to set up structure in your recovery:
- Agree to a regular time and date to spend a maximum of 30 minutes talking about what happened and getting the answers to your questions.
- Limit late night talks. You really do need as much rest as possible going through this.
- Include a date night (in, or out,) a few times per month. No relationship talks allowed. Simply enjoy and focus on the moments and quality time together.
My hope in sharing these tips with you is that they give you ideas for supporting your personal and relationship recovery.
Creating safety and trust in your interactions with each other will help both of you overcome the obstacles after infidelity.
This is about becoming responsible for how you talk with each other, so your relationship can begin to heal and grow.
Hope and Healing . . .